Attention all parents of teen-agers. Here is an important, groundbreaking and even shocking bulletin for you:
According to research conducted at the prestigious-sounding Josephson Institute of Ethics in, of course, California, here are two startling pieces of information:
1) 92 percent of teens surveyed admitted to lying to their parents at least once in the last year.
2) 78 percent of teens surveyed admitted to lying to their teachers at least once in the past year.
Have you gotten up off the floor yet?
Please forgive my sarcasm, but to put it in the language of the age group surveyed:
Well, duh.
If you are the parent of a teen-ager, I doubt you are at all surprised by these findings.
The results of my own scientific poll, conducted in three days of talking with the teens and parents I see in my office, give us these comments on the subject of teens lying to parents and/or teachers:
Only 92 percent?
The other 8 percent are lying.
Like they are really going to be honest on some lame survey.
I hope my parents don’t read that article.
And other things really not printable.
So is it wrong to lie to your parents and teachers?
Of course.
Is honesty an issue of integrity and character?
Of course.
Do teens lie to their parents and teachers?
Of course.
So let’s deal with it.
Tips for teens
File this under the care and feeding of parents:
Parents would rather know the truth the first time, no matter how ugly and horrible it might be, than to find out later that you lied.
Although it’s sometimes hard to believe, parents were teen-agers once themselves. Which means that they know the lying game, and if they are paying attention, have a fairly good idea of when their kids are lying.
Here’s a basic decision you need to make that will greatly affect your living-at-home years: Are my parents the enemy and I have to lie to get around them and get what I think I want, or can my parents be guides I can consult and trust to get me out into the real world?
Tips for parents
Is it possible to be able to always tell when your kids are telling the truth or lying to you? Nope, haven’t found that technology yet. But here are a few guidelines you can use that will give you a pretty good idea of what is really going on:
Does the story you are hearing match what you already know?
Does it match what the parents of your kids’ friends and/or your neighbors tell you? (Are you talking to them?)
Does it match what your kids’ teachers are telling you? (Are you talking to them?)
In how many ways can you check out anything that you are in doubt about?
Do your kids fidget or have difficulty looking you in the eye when they are talking to you?
Here’s the one that has been my guide for 25 years of family counseling:
Does the behavior match the words?
Again, in the best of all possible worlds, kids won’t lie simply because it is wrong and damages trust. Until we discover the best of all possible worlds, we’ll just have to deal with what is.
In the meantime, let’s be on the lookout for new surveys that will tell us that a high percentage of teen-agers like loud music and talking on the phone.

Visit SecretsofGreatRelationships.com for tips and tools for creating and growing a great relationship. You can also subscribe to our f*r*e*e 10 day e-program on how to enrich your relationship today, from relationship coach and expert Jeff Herring.

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Everyone loves penguins. And now, everyone has a chance to see how penguins live in the highly entertaining documentary March of the Penguins. No need to tell the kids it’s educational.
Beyond just taking your kids to see the show, there are lots of fun activities you can do before and after the presentation to enhance your enjoyment of the film.
Learn more about the penguins and the land in which they live at the movie’s web site. There you can find a Kids Activity Guide, a National Geographic Activity Guide and coloring pages. You can also hear to sounds of the penguins and watch video clips.
At the National Geographic web site, you can observe penguins and other arctic creatures via the critter cam or learn more fun facts about penguins at the creature feature page.
Another great source of penguin information and activities is the teacher guides at the Sea World web site. Sea World is dedicated to educating the public about the animals they house at their parks and they spend a lot of time and effort developing educational materials to make that happen.
By visiting the teacher’s area, you have access to numerous teacher guides in downloadable PDF format. Two guides are offered covering the topic of Arctic Animals, one for grades K through 3, the other for grades 4 through 8. The guides are filled with informative worksheet and coloring pages.
With their adorable waddle and ever-present tuxedo, Penguins are such likeable creatures. Expand your child’s knowledge of these amazing animals by checking out these fun learning tools either before or after the show.

Caren Bugay has lots of tips and resources to enhance your child’s education. Find more great ideas at http://www.helpyourchildrenlearn.com

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Parents are losing their self-control to anger. A friend called me today and told me a very troubling story. She told me on a T.V. news program she heard of a mother who was driving with her four year old child. The mother became angry with her child and couldn’t cope anymore with her child’s misbehaving. Finally the mother abruptly braked, stopping the car on a busy highway. She pulled over to the side of the highway, opened the door and pushed her child out of the car, slammed the door and just drove away! Luckily, someone saw this poor kid on the side of the highway, stopped and spoke to the child, had the police come by and the mother was eventually found. Unbelievable … dropping your child off on a busy highway because you can’t cope with a four year old’s misbehaving or with your own anger!
Anger is feeling irked, annoyed, furious, impatient, irritated, frustrated and disgusted. There is nothing wrong with the feeling of anger. Feeling and expressing your anger is healthy for everyone. What is not appropriate is taking your anger out on someone else. Hitting, yelling, and belittling are not the answers for expressing your anger.
Parents are understandably older, bigger, more powerful and stronger than their child. Even with all this clout on the parent’s side, parents are uncomfortable with their child’s behavior and become angry toward their child. Children are petrified of their parent’s anger. If you ask anyone what is their one worse memory of anger, it will most probably relate to their parent’s anger either towards each other or to their child. When a child hears loud voices, a certain tone of voice, and hears his parents fighting, it plays havoc with him because his parents’ relationship is the foundation of his existence. Parents are an irreplaceable figure in the lives of their children. The thought of not having a family life leaves a child believing he will be all alone on this earth. He wonders what will happen to him? Scary stuff for a child to contemplate.
Four-year-old Beth had frequent bouts of temper tantrums, dawling, rudeness, and just loved to tease her younger brother Ken. Beth’s parents were becoming fed-up and angry with Beth because no matter what they did, Beth continued being a hands-full. Beth’s parents found themselves nagging, scolding, punishing and finally spanking Beth every time she acted up. They started to feel guilty. Beth’s parents knew there had to be a better way to overcome their anger, as well as to guide Beth to more emotionally acceptable behavior, but didn’t know what to do. They noticed that the more aggressive their behavior toward Beth, only increased exactly the behavior they wanted to discourage. They saw that their punishment really had virtually no corrective value.
Beth’s parents needed some beneficial strategies that would allow their feeling of anger. They needed a demonstration to their child on ways of overcoming their anger. It’s simple: children learn by imitating. Every child watches and learns from his mother and father. Beth also needed a way to be encouraged to express her anger constructively, not disruptively. Allowing your child to express their anger, to say what’s on their minds is a healthy way to connect with your child. Your child’s verbal expression of anger is allowing you to know that your child feels safe enough to express an uncomfortable thought.
Many parents know that time-out, being grounded, loss of privilege, and disappointment expressed are far more effective forms of punishment than hitting or belittling. In these cases, a child learns that they are still OK people even thought their actions and behaviors were not. The next time you feel angry, try one, or all, of the following:
Step 1: Physical Exercise to Exhaustion Activity
When you’re angry, take your child outdoors and take a brisk walk. Tell your child that you are working off your anger. Keep walking until you start to feel calmer and in control. Or you can try jogging, lifting weights, or walking up and down a flight of stairs until you feel exhausted. These forms of exercise always calm everyone down.
Step 2: The Closed Door Gigantic Bear Activity
Tell your child that you are angry and need to let it out. Go into a room; don’t invite your child in, just tell your child to wait outside the door. Close the door and pretend you are a gigantic bear! Grunt, groan, stomp around and let it all out! This episode sounds funny, but it allows your anger to come out in a non-threatening way. You may hear a fit of giggles on the other side of the door, as your child will think this sounds very funny. You need to vent and let that anger out.
Step 3: Angry Letter Time
When you become angry, bring your child to a table with two pencils, two envelopes, and some paper. Tell your child that you are writing your anger away. Give your child a pencil (or crayon) and paper. Encourage your child to start writing or drawing. Start writing your “anger letter” (just write, don’t speak), by placing on paper what it is about your child that makes you so angry, what they did or didn’t do. After you finish, put the letter in an envelope unsealed. When you feel angry again, open and read it. Add how you are feeling to the end of it. After you no longer need to look at the letter, dispose of the letter with a ceremony. Make a meaningful occasion out of the disposal. This gesture allows your child to understand that anger can be expressed, placed on paper, and not by physically hurting another person by spanking or yelling.
Step 4: Anger Role Play
Go into a room alone and place two seats facing each other. Imagine your child sitting in the other seat. (Don’t invite your child to this activity!) Tell your imaginary child how angry you are with him/her. Then move to the empty chair and speak as he/she would speak to you. Them jump back to your chair and discredit your child’s argument or logic. Tear it to shreds! Go back and forth, playing yourself and your child as long as you need to. You can share this Anger Role Play with your child once you vent all your anger out and can demonstrate how effective this technique is to expressing anger and feeling refreshed by its outcome.
Remember, feeling and expressing your anger in a non-threatening way is healthy for everyone.

Linda Milo, aka The Parent-Child Connection Coach, has a simple philosophy: “Raising healthy children takes more than the right expectations, or knowing appropriate ways of disciplining or rewarding your child. Parenting children is also a deeply emotional experience that requires you, the parent, to maintain an awareness of your own needs”. For a FREE consultation on having a healthy and trusting relationship with your child in 90 days, guaranteed, go to: http://www.empoweringparentsnow.com or e-mail Linda at: linda@empoweringparentsnow.com.

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Did you know there’s a game children and parents play all the time and yet, neither of them knows about it? This article discusses this unconscious, no-win game children play with their unknowing parents; how points get scored; why the game isn’t a good thing to play, and how parents can stop the game.
I wish I could tell you the name of the game. It’s a secret and has no name. Parents and children don’t even know they’re playing the game. The purpose of the game is simple; children play it to get their way. The game itself is based on a point system. Whoever has the most points has the most power and control in the parent-child relationship. The minute a child asks the parent for something and is met with the answer, “no,” the game begins!
Children score points when they argue with their parents so much, their parents become upset, raise their voice and lose their ‘cool.’ Or when they are asked to do something and then don’t do it correctly and they’re not caught, they win a point. When children say they did their chores or completed their homework and didn’t and their parents don’t check up on them to see if they’re being honest, another point gets scored.
Another ay to score a point happens when parents tell their children tothey will do something for them and then don’t follow through. If you tell your child you’ll take him to the store on Wednesday and then weasel out of it, you just gave your child a point. Why? Because you’re teaching your child it’s okay not to be a person of your word.
Parents score points when they do not argue with their children. Imagine you have a bonfire on the beach. If you stop putting fire on, what happens? You guessed it! It eventually goes out. When they remain calm, regardless of a child’s reactions,they get the point. Yes, I realize this is not always an easy thing to do.
Any time a parent follows through with a promise, another point is scored. If you say you’ll drive your child to the store, do it. Don’t make any promises unless you feel certain you can carry them through for the child. When you tell or ask your child to stop doing something and he doesn’t, follow through until he does. This might mean you have to quietly and
calmly walk over and physically help him. You could say something like, “Thanks for letting me know you need help doing this. I love you so much I want to make sure you can do this.” If you say it sarcastically, the child gets the point because you won’t sound sincere.
The downside of this game is that no one ever wins. When parents play, they give away their parental power and control to their children. Each time parents react with anger and frustration, they non-verbally let their children know the children are stronger than the parent. If a child gets the unconscious message he or she is stronger, that child won’t feel safe. “Who’s going to take care of me and keep me safe if I’m emotionally stronger than my parent?” What you may see is a child acting out even more, testing the parent to set limits and stop the child’s behavior.
When children play the game over time, they do not learn to accept the word “no.” This is crucial if they are to grow up as respectful, responsible adults.
Now that you know about this no-win game, how can you, as a parent, stop it? Stay calm, no matter what’s happening. If you want some ideas on how to do this, you can find some ideas on my blog called, “How to Act Like a Super nanny at Home.” The address is http://www.parentsurvival.org. By staying calm, not arguing, walking away; the game loses its strength because the parent is in control. You haven’t put any logs on the fire.
If you tell your child to do something, make sure you check to see that it’s done according to your desires. If your child starts to argue, simply say, “I love you too much to argue” and walk away. If you answer your child’s comments, you will lose the point. The trick here involves being quiet, the less said, the better.
Children may not get what they think they want when their parents no longer play with game with them. However, they get what they need, which are strong successful parents who love them enough to stop playing the game. Only then will everyone win.

MaryLynne White
Can a Game Really Compel Any Child to Behave?
“How to Become a Super Nanny in Your Own Home!
Free Consumer Awareness Guide Shows You How…”
http://www.ParentSurvival911.com

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1. Tell me something you like about yourself? Help your child to focus on her many strengths.
2. Reinforce the positives. Give praise, recognition, a special privilege or increased
responsibility for a job well done.
3. Define limits and rules clearly. A family council is an excellent place to discuss, explain
and get a sense of ownership to the rules. Discuss what consequences will follow if the
rules are not followed. Don’t have a lot of rules, maybe four or five, but be consistent at
following them.
4. Give your children responsibility to make the house a home. Everyone in the family
should be responsible for some household chores daily. Responsibility makes them feel
valued and part of the team.
5. Don’t re-do their jobs. If you expect perfection, it is too easy for them to quit trying or
else hope that you will step in and “save them” when it gets difficult.
6. Laugh at their jokes and listen attentively when they are talking to you. Being fully
present when you are with your child is the only quality time there is.
7. If they don’t fit in, teach them basic social skills. There are a number of behaviors that
can be learned to help the “left out” child to fit into the group more easily.
8. Show them that what they do is important to you. Talk to them about activities and
interests. Help them to find a hobby or interest that they excel at. Go to their games,
presentations and activities.
9. Help them to set goals. Teach them to break each long-range goal into manageable bites. It is important to succeed at something ever day. Acknowledge your own successes so
they can be more aware of progress they are making.
10. Don’t punish them for telling the truth. Discuss problems without placing blame or
attacking the child’s character. Worry less about “who did this?” and more about
“Let’s get this mess cleaned up.” If a child knows he has made a bad choice but doesn’t
feel attacked, he will feel more secure in trying to find solutions.
11. Create opportunities to give service and to develop tolerance for others with different
values and backgrounds. These experiences can help a child to see himself in reference to
the rest of the world and to be more understanding of the needs of others.
12. Give them opportunities to make decisions. Help them to see that each decision has
pros and cons and may have consequences for themselves and others. If they want to do
something that is clearly harmful, explain why you cannot allow them to act on it.
13. Teach them to deal with money and time wisely. When children are organized and
responsible for their homework and allowance, it breeds self-assurance and personal
responsibility.
14. Be a good role model. Let your children know that you feel good about yourself, but also
teach them by example that mistakes aren’t final but learning experiences.
15. Start and end each day on a positive and loving note. Give lots of hugs, kisses and high
fives. Let them know on a consistent basis that your love is unconditional and that you are
proud of them as a member of the family. You may occasionally be disappointed in their
actions or choices, but will always be available for support.

© Judy H. Wright, Author, Speaker and Life Educator www.ArtichokePress.com
This article was written by Judy Wright, parent educator and author. Feel free to use it in your newsletter or publication, but please give full credit to the author and mention the contact information of JudyWright@ArtichokePress.com, 406-549-9813.
You will find a full listing of books, tapes, newsletters and workshops available on finding the heart of the story in the journey of life by going to www.ArtichokePress.com

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Homes should be run by parents, not children. So many times, however, either the children are in charge or the parents are so eager to be liked, that whatever rules and standards are talked about, few are enforced, especially on a consistent basis.
Children, whether they are two or 18, feel more confident when they know
that you, the adults, are in charge and that their environment is predictable and safe. They need to be taught what is right and wrong, what is acceptable and what is unacceptable, what is appropriate, and what is rude and out of place.
Though they will get mixed or conflicting messages from the television,
magazine and friends, they need you to set and enforce clear, respectful rules and limits. They need to know that you expect them to do and be their best.
By providing this guidance you will help them learn how to be responsible,
contributing members of society.
Consistency in discipline is the number one factor in successful families:
It is important that love, respect, cooperation and expectations are unconditional.
Consistent boundaries within the family are pretty predictable; for instance:
* They will grow up knowing that mom and dad must know the 4 Ws
before they are allowed to leave with friends. WHO are the friends,
WHERE are they going, WHAT are they doing, and WHEN will they be
home.
* A child can count on dinner being at six o’clock or there about.
* They need to know that bedtime is 8:30 on school nights and that
homework is done before playtime.
But sometimes in life, opportunities come up that make boundaries and rules
flexible. A relative visits from out of town, so it might be okay for the kids to stay up till 9:30 one night to enjoy the experience. Rules can bend
occasionally, but if they get broken, we are all in trouble.
As long as the family knows that in general, there is a structure that they can count on and limits to what is accepted and what is not, they will flourish in a system that gives them guidelines and direction.
Consistent boundaries and standards give a child and the whole family a feeling of security and safety. It is within this environment that self-discipline and life skills begin to flourish and develop.
When we, as a community as well as a family, give consistent messages to our children concerning dangerous and unkind behavior, it will be easier for them to forgo temptation to participate. It is our responsibility as adults to help them learn and live by the basic rule that actions have consequences.
Those children who develop a habit of thinking about the connection will be in a position of strength. Their choices will be immeasurably easier to make because they have been given a framework for decision-making.
Repair or rebuild the boundary, if necessary
I encourage you to be firm, consistent and kind in your discipline. It is vital to always follow through. Don’t make threats, make promises. If you take away TV privileges the first time he doesn’t take out the garbage, but ignore it the second and third time, he will soon learn that you don’t always mean what you say. The child will learn how to be a manipulator, and you will still have the misbehavior to deal with. You are the adult, and
so it is your job to repair the fence when it is broken or stretched out.
Boundaries don’t fence us in but rather they allow us freedom to grow and develop, knowing that we are safe and loved unconditionally. It is never a guessing game of what will happen but rather a sure foundation.
You can do it. I believe in you. You are doing the most important job in the world, raising self-disciplined, thoughtful and contributing children.

© Judy H. Wright, Author, Speaker and Life Educator www.ArtichokePress.com
This article was written by Judy Wright, parent educator and author. Feel free to use it in your newsletter or publication, but please give full credit to the author and mention the contact information of JudyWright@ArtichokePress.com, 406-549-9813.
You will find a full listing of books, tapes, newsletters and workshops available on finding the heart of the story in the journey of life by going to www.ArtichokePress.com

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Many families, ours included, have learned that breakfast is eaten after we are dressed and have made our beds. Dressing and making a bed somehow only takes five minutes when done before breakfast and take forever if done after breakfast. If it is your child’s job to see that the pets are fed and watered, he should be required to do that before he sits down to eat. Wise parents establish a time line for when you expect the job done. For instance, a phrase like, “By the time I take you to your baseball game,” or, “Before you can turn on the TV,” lets them know what you expect. That way the kids know the ground rules and they are measurable. If the task is not done within the time frame, they recognize there will be consequences, either natural or logical
• Require some work from every family member daily. Then relax. If you are
in a high powered or stressful job, you may find that you have a difficult
time allowing either yourself or those around you to just be. There is a
difference between leisure and laziness, and we need to recognize that
difference. We need to be able to have fun and joy in our life. We want to
reach the point where we are doing less for our children and more with them.
• If an older child has trouble with follow-through, consider a written
contract with agreed upon consequences. We make it mandatory in our family
that before a teenager can get a driver’s license, she must have
accomplished at least three service projects. She can choose to read to the
blind, rake a neighbor’s yard or whatever, but it’s important that she learn
to go outside of herself and extend service to others. Teenagers tend to
think they are the center of the universe, and it is humbling to recognize
how many other people are in the world around them.
• To promote good habits, agree to a much-coveted reward at the end of 21
consecutive days of positive action. What you are aiming for is called automatic action. It becomes such a habit that you don’t even realize or have to think about doing it on a daily basis. For instance; making your bed, hanging up your coat, picking up your plate from the table, rinsing it off and loading it in the dishwasher.
• When your child has cleaned his/her rooms especially well, suggest he/she
invite the family into the room to play a game of UNO or Monopoly. Let them bask in the glow of hospitality.
• Have a child put away as many items as the number of years he or she is
in age. Then you pick up as many things as you are in age and let the child
count. They LOVE this one, especially if you ham it up and say, “It’s not
fair!” a phrase they have probably used on you a time or two.
• Establish daily personal basics. If you list every little task on a
chart, it becomes overwhelming. What you are striving for is automatic
action. Most of us don’t have to remember to brush our teeth and wash our
face at night; it is just part of a routine. The more things become
automatic, the more our minds are freed to explore and grow in new
directions.

© Judy H. Wright, Author, Speaker and Life Educator www.ArtichokePress.com
This article was written by Judy Wright, parent educator and author. Feel free to use it in your newsletter or publication, but please give full credit to the author and mention the contact information of JudyWright@ArtichokePress.com, 406-549-9813.
You will find a full listing of books, tapes, newsletters and workshops available on finding the heart of the story in the journey of life by going to www.ArtichokePress.com

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Incest is sexual activity, ranging from fondling to intercourse, between family members who aren’t married to one another. State laws vary regarding the type of sexual activity and also on what constitutes the type of kinship that indicates incest rather than just sexual abuse.
Some definitions include teachers, neighbors, step families, baby sitters, ministers/priests and others who are in the circle of influence of a child and have established an emotional bond. That is why it is so hard to get substantiated statistics, because referring to the same thing by different names and different things by the same name often creates confusion.
Incest has been cited as the most common form of child abuse and yet it is an extremely under-reported crime. This type of abuse and betrayal of trust has the most potential for psychological and emotional harm to children. Incest has been called a violation of the child where he or she lives by a person who has trust and authority over them. A child molested by a stranger can run home for help and comfort. A victim of incest cannot.
Who commits incest?
Generally it is considered incest if the child has been used in a sexual manner by: fathers, or step-fathers, mothers, or step-mothers, brothers, sisters or cousins as well as members of their extended family such as grandparents, aunts and uncles.
• In cases of incest, is there just one child abused?
Sometimes the oldest child, or the girl, or one who is handicapped, or the one with long hair or it could be all of the children. There is no way to determine what the pattern of fantasy an offender has. If a grandfather is found to be abusing a ten year old granddaughter, it would be wise to err on the side of caution and protect all the children. He should be held accountable for his acts, whether it was one child or a multi-generational cycle of abuse.
Incest can happen in any family and can happen one time or be an on-going problem. People who were themselves victims of physical and sexual abuse may not know any other way to relate to their children. Boundaries are crossed and sacred trusts are broken. Sometimes there is confusion in family roles and if the parent is absent, either physically or emotionally, the child is forced into that role. Sometimes an adult will rationalize what they are doing is a “service” to the child to teach them about sex and prepare them for adulthood.
Whatever the reason or the excuse the offender uses, it is wrong! Adults are responsible for protecting, loving and nurturing children, not traumatizing and hurting them.
Incest becomes very confusing for the child involved. Many times the perpetrator really does love and value the child, but chooses an inappropriate way of expressing that love.

© Judy H. Wright, Parent Educator, www.ArtichokePress.com
This article was written by Judy Wright, parent educator and author. Feel free to use it in your newsletter or publication, but please give full credit to the author and mention the contact information of JudyWright@ArtichokePress.com, 406-549-9813.
You will find a full listing of books, tapes, newsletters and workshops available on finding the heart of the story in the journey of life by going to www.ArtichokePress.com

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What is child sexual abuse? Any sexual activity that is imposed on a child by an adult or an adolescent is a sexual assault and abuse of the power of one person over another. This also includes experiences of child to child, teen to child, teen to teen, if there is an age difference of four or more years.
The key word in this definition is imposed on a child. Children are trained to trust adults, as well they should. When an adult asks, manipulates or forces a child to do something that is against the child’s best interest and welfare, they are imposing an experience that will have life long repercussions: perhaps physically, but especially emotionally. Many behavior problems can be traced to being inappropriately touched or manipulated by someone who had power or authority over a child, and used that power in a sexual way.
Sexual abuse doesn’t have to involve intercourse. It can range from exhibited genitals, to fondling breasts, genitals or thighs. Some abusers are sexually stimulated by seeing children undressed or engaging in set up sexual games with adults or other children. Some offenders manipulate the child into oral sex or the actual act of intercourse. Others find it amusing to show pornography or to talk “dirty” to those who are younger than they are. Traumatic damage can be done to a sensitive child just by making suggestive references or talking in a sexual way.
Sexual abuse can also take the form of child exploitation by photographing the child in a compromising situation, with the intent to either use the photos for their own sexual stimulation or to sell them as pornography. The range of abuse is so wide and varied that it is hard to pin down a specific definition.
The fact is sexual abuse of children takes many forms, involves varying degrees of violence and emotional trauma, and is defined in a variety of ways, depending on the culture, context and purpose of the definition. However, the one consistent factor that is always present is the child does not know how to protect himself and someone bigger and stronger has power over them.
What many parents, police and others don’t understand is that the fear, intimidation and loss of trust are frequently much more harmful than the actual act. It causes confusion about roles, boundaries and sexual awareness.
A child or teen that has been abused sexually will need patience, understanding, support and tools to deal with the trauma.

© Judy H. Wright, Parent Educator, www.ArtichokePress.com
This article was written by Judy Wright, parent educator and author. Feel free to use it in your newsletter or publication, but please give full credit to the author and mention the contact information of JudyWright@ArtichokePress.com, 406-549-9813.
You will find a full listing of books, tapes, newsletters and workshops available on finding the heart of the story in the journey of life by going to www.ArtichokePress.com

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To have reasonable expectations of our children is an important aspect of wise parenting. Reasonable expectations leave room for a child to be a child but understand they are on the road to learning to be a mature adult. Often I see parents who try to hold their children to a much higher standard than the child is able to accomplish or just the opposite, ask almost nothing from the child. Many parents who were forced to work hard as a child, either because of financial reasons or over-strict parents have vowed that their children will be allowed to just be “kids” and enjoy life. May I tell you that there is a happy medium?
EVERY ONE IN FAMILY SHOULD HELP
All members of the family should be expected to contribute to the upkeep of the home and to making life run as smoothly as possible. That said, you cannot expect a 4 year old child to make dinner or an infant to quit crying just because you told him too. You can avoid discouragement by setting realistic and clear goals and expectations.
Don’t expect the beds to have military corners, the dishes to be spotless or puzzle pieces never to be lost. We are all human beings and make mistakes. This is a learning ground and as such we all need to be free to learn and change on a daily basis.
LEARN ABOUT CHILD DEVELOPMENT
I have always wondered why child development was not considered a core competency for high school students. If it were done, I think that the next generation of parents would have some ideas of what each age and stage of childhood is about.
Please check out a book at the library or pick one up at a yard sale on the natural stages of child development. It will give you an insight into what most children at each age are able to accomplish physically, emotionally, intellectually and socially. That doesn’t mean that your child won’t be a little behind or a little ahead of the statistics. However, you will be more aware of what he or she is capable of and not be so frustrated.
BE CAREFUL HOW EXPECTATIONS ARE PHRASED
We think in pictures and your child must be able to visualize what you are asking for. When you say to your daughter, “Please be good today when we are visiting Grandma who is very sick.” This leaves the words open to the child’s interpretation. After all what does “good” mean? Didn’t she just have a “good” time playing in the sink or outside with the dog. It is very confusing. If, instead you say “While we are at Grandmas I expect you to play with your toys quietly and ask permission before you touch anything that doesn’t belong to you. Do you have any questions?” you will be painting a much clearer picture in her mind.
ALL CHILDREN ARE UNIQUE
Most parents expect their children to grow steadily in a diagonal line that constantly goes in an onward and upward motion. They want improvement on a steady basis with no backsliding or “I forgot!” The problem is that children don’t grow that way, either physically or in skill building. They grow and develop in spurts and surges. I have heard child rearing described as the ocean tide, where the family moves forward, retreats, move forward again, retreats again, etc. You would tend to get discouraged if you didn’t realize that every time the tide comes in, it comes in a little ahead of where it was before.
Good luck and God Bless. You do the most important work in the world.

© Judy H. Wright, Parent Educator, www.ArtichokePress.com
This article was written by Judy Wright, parent educator and author. Feel free to use it in your newsletter or publication, but please give full credit to the author and mention the contact information of JudyWright@ArtichokePress.com, 406-549-9813.
You will find a full listing of books, tapes, newsletters and workshops available on finding the heart of the story in the journey of life by going to www.ArtichokePress.com

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